From Sleepless Nights to Mindful Insights: My Journey Through Insomnia and Anxiety

Back in October of 2021 I experienced my first spat of insomnia. At the time I thought I was just under a period of stress. Or something. I actually wasn’t entirely sure what I was going through. I thought it was just a weird spell that would pass. I self medicated with a variety of different OTC meds to help me fall asleep at night which worked… until they didn’t. Fast forward to May of 2022 and I experienced the worst spell of insomnia at honestly the worst time. Sallie and I were at Star Wars Celebration, an event I had been looking forward to for basically my entire life. This came at the absolute worst time for me. It was so bad that I started experiencing Anxiety and Panic Attacks for the first time in my life. Not only had I never gone through this before, but I previously thought panic attacks to be grossly over exaggerated. Now I was finding myself experiencing them and not sure what was happening to me. The problem wasn’t that I wasn’t sleeping, but that I physically could not sleep. I went 3-4 days on end sleeping less than 30 minutes a night. It’s a nightmare scenario I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.

We ended up leaving Star Wars Celebration a day early to go see a doctor. My primary care prescribed me with Trazodone, which worked for a while, until it didn’t. I spoke to a couple doctors and even a few therapists. I had no idea what was happening to me and neither did they. I even had a sleep study done to try and get to the bottom of it. I wasn’t getting any results. I recognize that the medical process is a journey, but the American medical system left me incredibly frustrated. I would wait weeks on end to get an appointment only to get 5-10 minutes max of their time before they just handed me a prescription and pushed me out the door. On top of that, I was the one doing all of the research on my own time with the doctors just acting as glorified drug dealers pushing pills rather than any sort of meaningful, long lasting solution.

Then in August of 2022 we made some new friends here in Colorado Springs. We’d never meet in person before but had become friends via the Friendship section of Bumble. We met up to grab beers and introduce ourselves. The wife of the group mentioned that she also struggled with insomnia. I asked her if she’d be comfortable sharing her experience. The story ended up scaring me so bad that I not only fell back into my insomnia but it resulted in the absolute lowest point of my experience. But then I realized that nothing had really changed in my life. All that had changed was hearing someone else’s scary experience. That’s when I realized that the main thing plaguing me was actually anxiety. I now had a north star and a light at the end of the tunnel to help me figure out a solution. I am forever grateful for my friend sharing that experience with me. At first I was mad that she had put that evil on me, but without her sharing that I would have continued to be in the dark for who knows how long. Because of her I now had a waypoint.

I then spent the next several months reading everything I could on the subject. It was through this journey that I discovered a book called “The Dare Response.” The book utilizes a form of mindfulness based therapy called ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy). The premise behind this rather than trying to get rid of our anxiety, we should instead accept it and allow it into our life. It’s a paradoxical approach, but based on the Amazon book reviews (and the reviews on the App store for the corresponding app) it seemed to be worth looking into. I went all in and even joined their Facebook community looking for answers. I ended up coming across an old post in the group (I was desperate y’all) from a guy who said he had not only found success with this program, but also recommended another book called “The Sleep Book” (which was essentially the Dare Response but for insomnia). I bought that book and also downloaded its corresponding app/course.

The premise behind all of these approaches is essentially a variant of Mindfulness. You don’t need to identify with your thoughts. Instead, accept them for what they are, and let them pass by. The best analogy I came across was that thoughts are like a model on a catwalk. They come out, present themselves, and eventually turn around and walk away. I was experiencing severe fear around not being able to fall asleep. It was consuming my mind. I has having anxiety and panic attacks on a regular basis because of it. Up until this point I had very little empathy and understanding for anxiety. I genuinely thought it was grossly over exaggerated at best and at worst an excuse for people not dealing with their problems. Turns out, it is a very real medical issue.

Anxiety can happen when our body releases adrenaline and cortisol in response to stress or danger, triggering the "fight or flight" response. This response prepares us to confront or escape the threat. However, sometimes it can be triggered even when there is no real threat, leading to anxiety. This can be overwhelming and cause physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, and trembling.

It can also lead to catastrophizing, which is when we spiral into negative thoughts and imagine the worst-case scenarios. This was all happening to me. I had never experienced panic attacks before, but was now having them on a very regular basis. I would break down in the middle of the night and encounter quite the hysterical crying meltdown. I didn’t even recognize who I was. Thank god I had my wife Sallie by my side through all of this. She was not only empathetic, but sought to help me find a solution to this very scary thing I was going through. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know what I would have done. She’s the reason why I made it through all of this.

I’m happy to say that I came out of this and am ultimately grateful I went through this painful experience. I’m now much more empathetic for those who not only experience anxiety, but any other “invisible”mental health challenge that you can’t see from the outside. I’m also grateful I went through this because it forced me to seriously understand and adopt mindfulness into my life. A lot of people will think it’s woo woo or hippy-dippy, but not only is it incredibly valuable but is scientifically proven to work. I’ve found that I’m much more empathetic for others and patient with myself. Recognizing your thoughts as they come rather than immediately identify with and acting on them has huge value for the rest of my life.

I'm writing all of this because, as a society, we don't engage in meaningful conversations about mental health nearly enough. Mental health issues are often seen as taboo, making people uncomfortable when discussing them, particularly among men. When a man faces mental health challenges, he is unfairly labeled as weak or fragile. This kind of dialogue does little to support the individual in need. Instead, we should be focusing on solutions, resources, and education that empower individuals to improve their mental well-being.

Our current medical system, at least in my experience, tends to prioritize prescribing drugs and pills to address problems. While I am not against medication—there is undoubtedly a time and place for it—there are other more affordable and lasting solutions that we can explore, such as mindfulness.

Mindfulness is a powerful tool that allows us to stay present in the moment, enabling us to observe our thoughts and emotions without judgment. By practicing mindfulness, we learn not to identify with our thoughts, recognizing that they are merely transient and do not define us. This liberates us from the constraints of our own minds and helps us develop a more profound sense of self-awareness.

Moreover, mindfulness fosters empathy for others. As we become more attuned to our own emotions and thought patterns, we are better equipped to understand and appreciate the feelings of those around us. We learn to approach others with kindness and compassion, recognizing that their struggles may mirror our own. Mindfulness encourages us to extend that same understanding and support to the people in our lives.

When we embrace mindfulness, we open up a world of possibilities for personal growth and connection. We become more patient, empathetic, and understanding, not only with ourselves but also with those around us. This shift in perspective can make a profound impact on our relationships and our mental well-being.

In a world where mental health is often stigmatized, it's essential that we break down the barriers that prevent open and honest conversations. By discussing mental health openly and embracing practices like mindfulness, we can empower individuals to take control of their well-being and create a more compassionate, supportive society. So let us break the silence, encourage dialogue, and explore the transformative power of mindfulness in our lives.